Mac felt alone most of the time. It wasn't because he lived alone, and stayed isolated as much as possible, but because he knew his demons were there. They were a constant reminder that he was struggling and while he begged for isolation and the quiet, in reality, he wanted someone there for him. The presence alone would allow him to be calm, but lending a helping hand and having someone to care for would allow him to be distracted from his demons.
Mac grew up in a two-parent household. He was the middle child of three kids and the only boy. The siblings all had an age gap of four and a half years so they grew up not really being connected to each other. Their parents loved them and it was evident, but they didn't understand how it was possible for them to struggle with mental health issues. They were raised in a Christian household where they were to be poised in public, but at home was a different story. His parents did not understand how to address his outcries. He was taught to work and to provide for a family as a man, but not to ever provide in an emotional manner. His father never really said "I love you" and his mother showed love through discipline, not through words.
He grew up in a lower-income neighborhood where he was exposed to many different ways of living; not all the best for a kid to grow up in. School was very important, but he struggled. He hid his difficulties of learning through humor which caused him to be in trouble often. It wasn't until he was older that he learned he was struggling with ADHD and dyslexia which explained so much of the problems he was having in school. He went on to get a bachelor's and a master's degree and had a very successful young career working in a hospital.
Due to his Christian upbringing, he was forced to be sociable even though he hated it. He could carry a conversation with anyone with a smile on his face and was truly able to empathize with his patients. He was well-liked by his peers and laughed and enjoyed their company, but chose to work during his lunchtime so he didn't have to be around people in a relaxed manner. Being busy helped keep his demons away. Any time he got time to be alone and close his mind off, he was faced with the dark thoughts that plagued him. He wanted to hurt, he wanted to cry, he wanted to be able to express his problems but he was always stuck with the idea of putting a smile on and not letting anyone know what was going on.
Working in the medical field was good for him as a distraction, but also gained him access to the tools that would ruin his life. He became an "educated" drug user. He knew what he was taking, and knew the scientific limits to the drugs of choice. He pushed the boundaries and he loved it. He loved to get to the point where could hardly function so he could finally get the demons to stop. This started off as a mildly innocent hobby, that spiraled to a very destructive path. He began ostracizing himself more and more from his peers, being blunter with his patients, and almost rude. He hated himself and wanted everyone else to hate him too.
He wanted more than anything to be held and told things were going to be okay, but he couldn't have that. He had to be the "man" that just provided for others and never himself. The pills turned to his outlet and his safe space. He was basically being held by his demons, and the demons turned into his friends. Mac would see his patients ranging from old age to babies, car accidents to overdoses. The one thing he noticed more than anything was how the families would react. He studied it more than anything else. The more he realized was a lot of the self-inflicted problems seemed to be based on family dynamics more than anything. He couldn't hurt his family though. He wanted to end it all, and he wanted to be done with everything; to just shut things off permanently. Because of his family though he wasn't able to do that.
One day he was given the rundown on his new patients for the day and realized he had an older patient that had accidentally overdosed and needed a babysitter to stop him from hurting himself during his hallucinations. He accidentally took too many of the same pill because sorting out the pills never really had been his job and he wasn't all there mentally anymore because of his age. His wife had recently died and he was left to do life by himself. He once had a son who was a very successful businessman but died also due to complications from surgery and so for the past 30 years, it was just him and his wife. Mac became very close with this patient and they had some great conversations. Rob used to be a therapist and was the perfect person for him to talk to about things. Rob had everything, and nothing or nobody to leave things too if he were to die. Mac talked about his desire to shut himself away from the world and just get away. To run away from his demons and escape.
For some reason, Rob became very intrigued by this overwhelming voice in his head to help. He told Mac, "I know this sounds crazy, but my time is almost up. I've lived a good life and I am at peace with the life I've lived. I have spent my entire life helping others through therapy, but you need more than I can help with. You need an escape. An escape from the world where you lose your access to the pills, and away from your family. I want to propose an idea to you."
Mac didn't know what to do. He knew he needed help and was at the breaking point. Mac accepted because of whats the worst that could happen? Rob proceeds to explain how his son had an amazing real estate career and left a handful of properties to him that he never got to live in because he passed away before he moved in. "They are sitting there, unused, and ready for memories to be made in." This was crazy... Why would he bring this up? How did he know this is what he was wanting more than anything.
"You just gotta take the leap and go for it," said Rob. So Mac did just that. Rob asked for something to write on, wrote down some coordinates, and told him to go and be the person Mac was supposed to be.
To be continued...
